Spring Sunburn

i know sunburns are not the most healthy thing for your skin, body, etc. but damn the sun feels amazing. . .
and i procured the crimson cheeks from an entirely joyful event in Hyannis this weekend. . . with family i hadn't seen in years, beautiful children running around, singing and dancing, playing with baby goats (now i want to leave my ocean view apartment and find land even more. . . so i can have baby goats jumping off boulders, kicking their little heels and generally being adorably mischievous)
. . . the most beautiful and heartfelt ceremony I've ever witnessed and despite the chill that crept in as the sun set, all was warm and i fell asleep on piles of sheepskins, woke up to a salty wind blowing over the Cape, walked amongst the curtains of falling white and pink flowering crabs and magnolia petals. . . before a cozy family breakfast, courtyard garden conversations, and back home to the rain and cold of Maine, now waiting for laundry to dry and busy with writing and editing projects. . . trying not to be distracted by thoughts of whipping up raw goodies (the Dulce de Leche bars from the woman who won Kris Carr's latest contest- YUM) and making a flurry of baby quilts from salvaged fabric- polka dots and vintage animal prints rival the baby goats for adorableness-

. . . it's nice to be back here. the break was needed but with spring comes reawakening and this is somehow a part of it once more. . . although i've changed- as we all do constantly- and will continue in ways that will be noticeable and maybe not quite so. . .

Happy Spring.

The Pendulum

Not to be confused with the very dramatic and dark writings of Edgar Allen Poe- although those dark musings and references to wine, black birds and touches of madness have always been mysteriously alluring. . especially when I’m listening to Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds (perfect complement to the intense lyrics and piano of No More Shall We Part) . . . this pendulum is a tool that I use often and feel rather than physically hold.



The pendulum swings in my own life- as a method of decision making and listening to what my intuition has to say. I’m not the best at hearing (or rather really listening to) those voices from deep inside. . . even though I can go on and on about the importance of listening to your “gut” until I’m cerulean in the face. Laziness, lack of time and motivation, or simply fear of really looking inside and hearing the answers?? Pushing responsibility for my life in any direction other than back to me??

Either way it happens, I find myself in turmoil of the emotional sort rather than caught up in “human drama” as a friend of mine so wonderfully put it. . . mine is also more of the solitary inner drama. It can remain something I struggle with alone, or it can begin to affect others when I lash out in frustration and a bit of self-loathing (due to the frustration of perceived inability to make the aforementioned decisions). . . and so it becomes confusing to those around me- this peaceful and mellow girl suddently turns snappy and edgey. . . impatient and cutting with her words- when really it’s just the frustration and maybe a bit of panic turned outward because I’ve refused to give it a healthy outlet.



But this tool. . . using your body as a pendulum for making decisions and listening to what is truly in accordance with our inner self. . . is something I’ve been returning to as of late. It can be used for something as seemingly simple as walking through the market and wondering what foods might be the best to consume right now- if I center and ask, my body tells me (if someone’s with you, the muscle test works well) by moving in the direction I know means yes or no. Or I use it for what I might call major life decisions, silly little thoughts about what I might do today and even a clue to what role people who have entered my life might have.



It works in the morning when you’re making lists (one of my addictions, and as I’ve recently twittered-YES, I’m addicted to addictions!), when shopping, planning, working, beginning to prepare a meal, before making a phone call; anything that may be causing stress or frustration due to the perceived inability to make a decision. We often seem to want to throw our hands up, push the decision entirely off on others, releasing our sense of responsibility for whatever happens (good or bad) and thinking it would just be so much easier if someone else would simply tell us what to do. I feel this wholeheartedly about many things in my life, and yet I’m also one of the most stubborn people I know and detest being told what to do (is it any wonder people tend to become a bit confused around me?!) so needless to say, this creates quite a lot of the back and forth drama- enough to drive a girl crazy.



Here’s what I do: I check in once in awhile to make sure the way my body communicates hasn’t changed but basically- by taking a breath to quickly center, and asking “Is my name Jenny?”. . . my body will move in a direction for yes. I ask a question for which I know the answer is no- inserting someone else’s name for instance and my body will move in the opposite direction and from there I can ask any yes or no question. . . taking a few breaths and shaking my energy out to center between each one. I’ve read that a lot of people rock forward for yes and backward for no, but of course I’m the opposite (it’s an admitted character trait of mine- good or bad- to always be different). . . a yes answer means my body leans back and a no answer tips me forward.



Simple.



This isn’t used to avoid the responsibility of making decisions, it’s instead a way of double-checking them, and making sure my choices and activities are aligned with my true self (and also acknowledging that my true self is there and I haven’t forgotten and/or stifled her voice), and it takes away some of the stress that comes with making those decisions- “did i do the right thing?”, etc. Often there is no black and white definite RIGHT or WRONG decision. . . so the simple act of making that choice is the “right” decision in itself. You choose and accept and then move on. . . life is not meant to be put on hold while we hem and haw over these questions. There are no wrong choices. They’re all a part of our journey and I think how we react to them builds more of our life than the actual end result.

Just now, I heard loud honking and looking out the window of this late September morning, a flock of geese flew overhead and I realized that like the inner compass within every goose, there is a similar intuitive and instinctual quality to our decision making, if we learn to simply get out of our own ways and listen to that ancient wisdom.

This morning I’m sure there are pressing decisions to be made and I’ll get to them. . . but for now I’m craving mulberries for breakfast (another one of my addictions lately). . . but feel like I may be eating too many of them. . . Center, ask, and my body rocks slightly backwards. . . I grin and decide that a small handful would be entirely perfect.



And so it is. . .

Find me here

I've been able to keep up with shorter and succinct posts here at WordPress for now. . .

Wisdom

It comes in all forms. . . sometimes in the progression of time, as graceful and telling as silver hair or the laugh lines gathering on aging faces. Sometimes it's as new and fresh as a child. . . still in close contact with the inherent knowledge we come into the world with and let the world mar and cover as we grow and begin to judge, develop our egos and turn away from the intuition inside.
Sometimes wisdom is simple and sometimes it's only found with patient untangling and unearthing. . .maybe it's not a complete coincidence that digging in the garden dirt brings us so close to all kinds of wisdom. . . and a deep transformation occurs when you are involved with seeds and soil.
Sometimes it's from another land. . .


and sometimes it's from your friends. . .


Sometimes it's about yummy and nourishing food. . .


and sometimes it's completely childish and silly. . .
Whatever it is. . . relish the opportunity to soak it in, laugh delightedly as you grow within it and seek it out ALWAYS.

I Am Inspired Always

As I'm researching, writing and networking, I remember Daryl Hannah's fabulous videos and take a break that just so happens to tie into the work that's spread all over my desk. . .dhlovelifenews

I also find the Hope Video on Donna Karan's Urban Zen. . . not only an urgent message but beautifully done and steeped in richness.

The main work we do at the Tibetan Aid Project is so incredible that the hours upon hours of sitting in front of a computer screen six days a week doesn't ever seem unbearable. It's work with purpose and I'm inspired and grateful every day to put this merit into the world in whatever way I am able.

Another inspiring video. . . (they seem to abound lately). . . which reminds me of this:
I love being surrounded by children in all their presence and clutching onto the sensory moments (that bring us back inevitably to the beautiful NOW) and simultaneously the elders. . . as they near death and also grab ahold of the moments (hopefully) with the preciousness and stillness they bring. . . full of joy and curiousity that has either never faded throughout their lives or makes a surprise appearance- as a sort of repetition of childhood in some ways. I love the thought of embracing and looking death head on throughout life. . . because by accepting and becoming unfearful of impermanence, we can truly savour and LIVE life to the fullest and in every moment.

The older they get, the more a grin spreads over my face. . .


I leave you with grins on your faces and inspiration flowing through your beautiful bodies. . .

I Am Calm

I have a body that has been stretched, nourished and strengthened by the most amazing yoga practice (Yoga to the People is the most incredible place, and arrived in Berkeley along with me!), I have a belly that was subsequently filled with Cafe Gratitude's yummy strawberry shortcake and chocolate ice cream. . . and a mind that was stretched and soothed with writing and reflecting on self-image musings.

I awoke from dreams that pushed me into new realms with a perfect new haircut (done on the stone garden steps by a rad new friend Lauren, while we inhaled the scents of lemon and loquat trees hanging overhead, listened the the chatter from the kitchen and watched the sun set golden over the San Francisco Bay), a simple Hope bracelet to raise African AIDS awareness, a ring from a street vendor in San Francisco made from an old spoon handle. . . that fit as though it were a long lost piece of mine. . . and some organic cotton hoodies and t's. . . I'm happy to see by the way that the "My White T is Green" shirts are being seen far and wide on blogs and beautiful girls all over!!!

I adore Berkeley and I was completely and abundantly happy to spend the afternoon with my friend Dennis on Sunday in the city. . . savouring excited + present conversations with the most insanely yummy Cafe Gratitude food. . . a trip to Rainbow Co-op (which is pure heaven), and then an amazing hike over the cliffs facing Marin (where I HAVE to go explore soon!), standing high over the ocean with the most hauntingly beautiful foghorn sounding, the Golden Gate Bridge directly to the right, and a rookery, herd, pod, or harem (whichever you prefer) of seals bobbing below. The smell of eucalyptus and salt, and a mix of sheer happiness settled and steeped within and the feeling of bliss and gratitude continues with every moment.

I am truly soothed and inspired simultaneously. . . and although there are challenges and some intense symbolic dreams of late (that actually leave me waking up exhausted, feeling as though I've worked through major events and issues throughout the night!), I have manifested this beautiful existence and I am crazy in love with all of the moments.

Peace and light.

A meditative meltdown amidst jasmine. . .

Last night I went to Yoga to the People- a crazysexycool yoga studio in downtown Berkeley. . . where they view donation as a sacred act and you give what you can (suggested donation of $10) which I think is a RAD principle. The practice (which I have been a bit separated from all winter- argh!!) KICKED MY ASS in the yummiest way possible. . . and the passage the instructor read at the end when we were all dripping in vinyasa flow sweat and breathing heavy. . .made tears well up and I felt incredible love and bliss and opening. I had an ice cream bar from Cafe Gratitude and the amazingness continued. . . I talked to my mum and some friends and felt intense inspiration and a sense of belonging and flying all at once- perfect right?!

Then I was up all night long- happiness buzz maybe- and "awoke" to a sunny but oh so cold day- um this is California, when will it get warm??
I went for a hike up in the hills above campus and our buildings to the most beautiful view through eucalyptus trees (I'm beginning to collect the acorn like nuts they drop, adding to my altar) with Rosamund- the 70 year old woman with the most gorgeous Alabama accent and a lifetime of stories and travel. . . incredibly sweet and tiny but you feel really protected and nurtured by her no-nonsense and yet vulnerable presence. I can already tell that I will truly miss her when she leaves on my birthday. . .
Work for a few hours. . . the office is staffed with women of all ages and it's always lovely. . . and a meditative and self-delving workshop for the rest of the day. . . and I have to say that all of this meditation and chanting (hours upon hours throughout the days) are beginning to stir and shake me up. I've always thought I looked pretty closely at myself and brought a lot of presence and consciousness to my moments. . . but there's nothing like really being "forced" to go within in meditation practices every single day. . . to bring you face to face with the inner "demons" and "challenges"!

They came out today. . . and despite the smell of jasmine growing wild all over the property and over sidewalks and houses. . . the trees that hang heavy with wild fruits and the beautiful and open air. . . I began to feel that restless and lost and unsettled feeling creep in. And I had to work VERY hard to remain non-judgemental about it. What makes me feel like that? Why do I always feel like I'm searching for something just out of my reach? Why can't I exactly name it?
Is it passiveness, consciousness, indecision, wander-lust, flexibility, insecurity, or just plain mind-chatter?

I left the workshop and walked downtown, fairly skipping and sliding down the steep hills. . . like I was escaping to the organic and familiar food of Cafe Gratitude. I think I've been eating too much fruit (and it's not all organic) both of which are sort of shocks to my system, used to eating very balanced and able to blend up just the right green smoothies and puddings and veggie noodles with all the herbs and ingredients that I like right there and organic or local. . . it's making my flexibility and open-mindedness accept a bit of a challenge and I know it'll work itself out in the adjustment period but I'm suddenly in the midst of a place that I wanted to come to so badly (and truly love being at), wondering if I should move to an apartment, leave this program, and get a job somewhere else in this area. . . or move to a warmer part of Cali, hook up with amazing raw fooders who want to start creative ventures. . . I mean. . . where do I fit?
Home is where I am, ultimately. . . but where exactly is that?

These questions don't really need answers. . . and maybe this is all a part of the journey where I begin to let people back in again. . . come out of my reclusive shell and finally become ready to share the journey with someone? I don't know. And deep down, through all this unsettledness and inner battling of sorts, I know that I'm really quite fabulously okay and more than that- I'm pretty damn inspired and blissed out really.

I've got my goods from Cafe Gratitude (acai powder, glass-bottled agave, cacao energy balls) to tide me over for my trip into San Francisco tomorrow to wander around the Mission district and mediate in a different and urban sort of way. . . on my one day off. . . and I think I'm going to have to experiment with re-creating the live carrot cake very VERY soon!
This is all nothing that a green smoothie and some of my own Balance Tea can't cure. . . and a roomful of jasmine flowers mixed with my chocolate lotion will ease me into the night of stirred up thoughts that a full moon usually brings.
Peace out, and much love